great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
