It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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