Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
