This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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