I just made out with a guy for $7.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
