I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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