I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
