well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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