I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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