She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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