she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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