we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
