I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I want her autograph on my taint
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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