I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
