i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
