Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
