Ambien. No doubt about it.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
