as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
