Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
