There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I CAN MOONWALK!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
