Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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