Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
