She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
