perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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