I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
