Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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