dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
