I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
