Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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