I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
