I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
