the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
