woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Watching her eat just hurts me
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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