I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
And then he peed in my hair
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