So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
