Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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