i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
