what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
