a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
