as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize