Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
