I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
