I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
