If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
