Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
