I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
