I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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