evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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