he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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