I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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