my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
