im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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