I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
