Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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